ramblings & implemetations for the new year

hello again from my little corner of the internet! i hope that if you are reading this, you have been well & taken care of. i am in the process of a lot of changes & seem to need a minute to unload my feelings. so once again, here i am, back to this blog that has since the beginning been quite evolutionary for me on a personal level. 

while lost in the twilight zone of my reality i became, as pattern often calls, quite depressed & once again dissatisfied with the large majority of my life. i found myself picking apart even the lives others around me lead, trying to make sense of them & why they do the things they do. my thoughts overtake me quite often, rendering me unable to break away mostly from my sadness, often from my poignancy. i am overwhelmed with empathy to a crippling level, & while i am proud that i can call myself compassionate i am also aware that the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' isn't untrue in the slightest.

that's me, in a nutshell. safe, afraid, constantly thinking so deeply into each thought/idea/occurrence until i can barely bring myself to go through my routines without bouts of anxiety. every overwhelmed being breaks at some point. as a calculated & controlling person, letting go is quite the feat but simultaneously the only way i can feel more at peace. if i have to be honest with myself, it is the scared-shitless decisions i have made that have really changed my circumstances for the better. none of the safe controlled ones ever had this effect on my life.

which brings me to right now. i resigned at my job of over 4 years, & this coming week will be my last. to tell you that i am at beyond resolved with this doesn't suffice. i don't know where i'm going from here, but i feel that everything will be okay, & it will be. i will be okay, that's something i never tell myself. i have been afraid for so long, crippled in my fear, living an unhappy life wondering where my out would come from & when. i am at a point of truly understanding that just because one lives unconventionally, unconfined to the 'societal work-marriage-kids-retirement' template doesn't make them unsuccessful.

i have many goals that i think are totally feasible & am lucky enough to share them with people i love, a network of support. i have my basic needs met, & honestly that's all i need. it's important to understand that none of us need more than, while some of us don't even have, these fundamental things: a place to live, food, & safety (especially in our current political climate). i willingly & happily choose to be mindful of both while working on not letting either fact control me anymore.

finally, i want to touch on what i want to manifest & develop on as i further grow each day. rather than resolutions, i just want to continue following the concepts i have implemented into my life over years of self-reflection & behavioral introspection. perhaps we are not very different, & these could possibly be of use to you as well.

- don't be ashamed to rid yourself of the excess, unnecessary, or deleterious - in whatever form it may come.

- live a less wasteful life in every sense of the word: use less, toss away less, impulsively purchase less, & choose to truly live more, as in be fucking alive.

- take good care of my skin & my body: continue on a path to understanding the toxicity of certain products/ingredients & be mindful of those implications as opposed to falling for 'cute packaging' (anyone else guilty of that?).

- understand that you are not a slave to your mental issues. it is okay to try & feel better rather than stay defeated & complacent in your misery. try thinking outside the box your mind traps you in. do the opposite of what your instincts tell you sometimes.

- a life well lived isn't always a safe tread. be adventurous, gutsy, open to new ideas.

- do not lead with judgement. when reaction jumps instantly to prejudice, eradicate. you are responsible for your negative predispositions. wonder, try & understand your differences & be at peace with the fact that we are all different & that's okay.

- stop allowing people to abuse you & your kindness/availability for them. when someone needs to kindly fuck off, tell them so.

until next time, take good care of yourself & those around you.


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